blue

suddenly i had this urge to commit suicide, again.. i dont know why but i've always feel like this when i get upset.. last time i felt this way was a long time ago, merely about 2,5 yrs ago when i was unemployed, boyfriendless and completely useless for my parents, my community as well as for the country.
last fridaynite, about 20.30 or more, i've just entered the house and as usual i went to master bedroom to greet my parents but what did i get? a nasty comment that felt like a sharp slap on my face. they accusing me for wandering around and abandoned their calls to my cellphone. i answered them that i got on fridaynite traffic and i did called them back soon as i saw their missed calls. it was just a 6 minutes after their last call, for chrissake.. but they didnt answer my calls to their room number, as well as my brother when i called his cell to ask why did they call me.. then i had to hear their on and on and on complaining about me that a girl should be home at 8 oclock.
hare gene cewe dijakarta msh diwajibin pulang jam 8 malem? banten bgt..
so, i stormed out the room and lock my self in mine until saturday afternoon.. i was hungry and had 2 small mangoes for my brunch.. i even shared it with sasq and odan, actually i was only being polite.. then i went to my room again and blind my eyes with book.. i dozed off and wake up at 1830 and started to feel terribly hungry.. so i went downstairs and fixed my self a bowl of instant beehun with soto flavour topped with egg.. it was delicious and comforting my tummy.. i was eyeing my parents since i cannot avoid them in the house but i managed to completely unaware about them..
and then, my fiance called my cell, i thought he was going to comfort me but our chit chat turn sour and later on we hung up on each other.. damn!! i am unworthy person whose cruelly wasting other's time with me.. i mean, my parents hate me, my boyfriend hate me and so the world.. and it struck me suddenly, i don't belong in this world..
and this time, in this strange hour (it's 4.30 am) im lying on my bed, tired of heavy book reading, this afternoon i started and try to finish haruki murakami's norwegian wood.. im surprised that the book mentions lots of death, so far i read, there are 3 suicides dan 2 death of sickness.. i dig on the 3 suicides, kizuki died on poisoning himself wih CO from his car, naoko's sister died with hanging herself to death, and hatsumi died after cut her wrists..
i fancy hatsumi's way, and i thought that would be adaptable for me since my car is far from my room, and my room don't have any 'palang' to tie a rope to hang myself.. but again i need a razor to cut my wrist and now i have no idea where did i keep my latest paper cutter? i even arranged the waste bucket next to my bed so the blood drippings wont go anywhere on the floor.. i imagine that on usual sunday my parents usually banged on my door to wake me up to go to church with them.. but on this very special day, i assumed they wont be bother to do so.. when on the other hand i might be death already, right? and then i didnt come to work on monday morning, didnt even show up to eat or drink all day long and they sent my litlle bro odan to check me out from the window and
he called and called my name and knocking on the glass window, but i lay still.. panic he tried to call my cell and since i wasnt able to answered it, he went down empty handed.. later on they went to my room and trying to break in and failed.. then they tried the last try from the window and starring in horror as i lay peacefully in my green cottoned bed and red polcadot blanket with my right wrist above the wastebucket full of blood..
i think that would be a great scenery, what do u think? i'm gonna meet my grandma (it's almost a year after she died) and i'll have the same dead date on different month.. mine in november and hers in december.. i remember how nana always comfort me and make me feel like the most precious thing in the world.. she never nagged on me, she was full of wisdom and she had this special way to share it with me.. oh nana, i can't wait to join u, i can't stand living here anymore..

but then i realise, if i die today, i'll look like a loser which can't stand for her ex boyf wedding.. have i told u this saturday is his wedding? haha i dont think i wanna hear people says 'oooh, poor glenda couldnt bear that her ex getting married..' i didnt even attend his wedding (i want to but okto didnt interest so we didnt go) so its almost believable if people think that i died of brokenhearted.. haha not a chance, everyone..

so i better skip today and think another day that would be more convenient to be my death day..
i know that i sound selfish, prone to put my interest and ego above all.. but hey, since i'm a solitary soul, it seems that nobody will miss me or think about me if i died..
i've just realise that i dont have anyone to back me up, not a single soul..
am i that
hard to live with?