this is the place where i poured stories of my life, my thoughts, my feelings also my ideas.
there's excitement, sadness, laugh, desperate, anger, happiness, and other kind emotions.
i just hope that we can learn something..

Thursday, August 13, 2009

getting older but not (yet) the wiser..


i love this quotation,"The ultimate goal is to be more satisfied. I really don't believe you get wiser because you get older. It's a choice, perhaps not to take some things so seriously (Boy George)".. i think it would be great for the opening of my belated birthday reflection..

i don't really celebrate birthday. birthday is just an alarm that i'm getting older… but i don't mind getting presents LOL!! abenk knew exactly that i better get things i want rather than something that he thinks i want.. he almost get me Wii (just because i exclaimed how fun it'd be to get fit with play Wii together). a prayer would do me good :-) he really does not have to give me anything because he simply the best thing of my everyday.. (after noelle, of course)..

overall it was a nice day. i started out with a walk with noelle, just a couple blocks from my apartment. afterwards, i did my domestic chores and i prepared nasi uduk and the gank for my birthday celebration.. abenk prefer to celebrate with dining out, but i hate to go out when its raining. he promised to help me but i guess that will be too much. he had bought me tons of gift already this month.. i picked them and invest it wisely.. so i decided to cook for my birthday dinner, afterall there were rain almost every night and i prefer staying in.

this year, i reflect on more than a few things, not because this birthday marks a milestone or is significant in any real way – just because of where i am in general with life. as i think about where i am and looked back, i consider a few key things: i am a nicer person than i thought i was. :-) dunno why, maybe because i had a major life change?

i don’t know about you, but on my birthday i like to look back, to reflect on the decisions i've made or the way i've been living for the past year. a lot can happen in a year, both good and bad, and it's always interesting to think, "Wow, i had no idea that was coming." am i the only one who does this?

i celebrate my last birthday with noelle in my womb. i did a lot of thinking back then, but mostly imagining i guess..

but when i was younger, i used to think, can i afford to have children? i imagine the responsibility to wake up at 2 or 3 in the middle of the night when he/she cries, be the guardian, at his/her constant beck and call every now and then?? guide and teach them about the good and the bad, about religion, about stuff around us.. about how to become independent? i once had a tamagotchi (digital pet) in the form of penguin. it dies every 3 days. i'd become a horrible horrible mother.. :-(

turns out, having noelle really change my life.
i wake up everytime she cries, night and day..
i love to change her nappy and wash her clothes..
i mastered bathing technique in 1 week.. YAY!
i love when she pooped, even for 4 times a day, rather than not poop at all..
being part with her really a torture, even for a couple of hours..
i watch her become a healthy and active baby, with her adorable gestures and voices..
and i become less egocentric..
more patience..
more loving..
more caring..
nicer..
calmer..

thank you, God.. for this major life change you gave me.. for every day of my life..

but now i am a year older, i am still searching, searching for a way to slow down time so i can absorb more.. i used to remember, the days between my birthday and christmas used to take forever when i was a child. what happened when i grew up? do children experience time in slow motion mode, or are adults so unaware of every precious moments of every single day that they let time slip by? :-(

i tend to get quite reflective and maybe even a little morose on the milestone days of the year: birthday, christmas, new years and so on. today is no different. there is some strange kink in my personality that keeps me always looking forward. i am always wondering what is coming up around the next bend. when I examine my life i am far more likely to wonder what i will be than to reflect on what i have become. i’m not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, but at least some good has come of it. it allows me to look forward to getting older.

i know that (if Lord willing) by this time next year i will have read another couple of books, have change thousands of nappies (oh no, i hope noelle mastered toilet learning by then), cook thousand of meals, will have my third anniversary, will have celebrate noelle's 2nd birthday.. i trust that God will continue to bless me and my family. God truly is gracious.

what would i be in the next 10 years? uhm, i genuinely feel that i am honoring God with my talents (what are they, i am still listing). yet there is always the nagging suspicion that i will eventually move on, but what will i move on to? i do want to have a job i love and passionate about. perfect if it allows me to be self-employed and this provides me great freedom to devote my time to noelle (and other children maybe?? ).

yes, leave that to me, i am planning on not stopping anytime soon :-) i suppose i have reached the conclusion that i still have a lot of becoming ahead of me. as a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend, i have a long, long way to go. i look forward to improving in each of these areas and have confidence that God will so bless me. i look forward to seeing just what it is that God has in store for me.

into the next year i am planning some changes in habbit and attitude, to a positive way of course.

i already wear SPF every time i go out, but i'd like to take it a step further and make a point of wearing a hat when i'm outside the house, something i haven't done as much as i should.

i want to get back into a regular running routine, hopefully i can manage that, because i know that it's the form of exercise that truly works the best for me (to lose weight and cardio work out). i want to make yoga a regular part of my life (i do have the book, but not yet start practice) because a loss of flexibilty is the first step toward becoming truly old. i don’t mind being older, but i do not ever want to be old.

i'll try to be more often talk to God, in my prayers, in my head.. i don't know how long i will live, but i'll do my best of it in His way.

blah blah blah blah.. i can go for days doing this..
if you happen to be reading this on your birthday, then happy birthday to you, too!

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